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8. August 2012 10:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Love the new camera

8. August 2012 10:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

love the new camera


I love the new camera...it performed abosolutely amazing on the weekend when I did a photoshoot with the family. The 36 Megapixels mean that every detail such as pores in the skin, hairs etc. is visible and sharp.

This photo below shows one of the photos of Chong and Emma zoomed in at 100 percent..the small photo on the left shows the original photo.





8. August 2012 08:37
by Rene Pallesen
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Emma

8. August 2012 08:37 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

emma


A couple of months ago Chong and KC had a new addition to their family.

Last week they asked me if I'd take some photos for them. It was a good chance for me to have a play with the new camera as well as some light setups.






Emma was very good and only had one 'accident'.



It was also a good practice session for when our next addition arrives in a couple of months.











I love the new camera, the details are absolutely amazing in the studio and the autofocus is accurate now after I had it fixed by Nikon.

31. July 2012 10:06
by Rene Pallesen
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Satellite Tracking Facility

31. July 2012 10:06 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

satellite tracking facility at belrose


Yesterday I went to a work conference where at the end of the day they offered us to do some site visits.

I was fortunate enough to visit the satellite tracking facility in the Northern part of Sydney. The company I work for owns a number of satellites (at a cost of around $400 million each) and they will be launching their 10th satellite later this year...the 'O10'.


This photo is from the control room where they look after all the locations, transponders and media broadcasts from the satellites.




It was interesting to be able to see the raw/unedited broadcasts from areas such as the London Olympics, the conflict in Syria etc.


The actual electronics was equally impressive.






I even found the box that currently is receiving all the media broadcasts from the 2012 London Olympics.






This is the Satelite Dish controller...On the display you can see the current position of the dish (and from that you could probably calculate the location of the actual satellite).




Outside was the array of dishes.






Most of the satellites are being launched from French Guyana by the European space agency.




30. July 2012 07:34
by Rene Pallesen
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Big Birthday

30. July 2012 07:34 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

big birthday


A couple of days ago it was my birthday...I wish it was my 27th...but it wasn't!

Kim took me out for dinner on the day itself to a nice place at Circular Quay...very nice, but absolutely freezing and windy in there.





Day after we went out for dinner with the family to a Japanese restaurant and they ordered a shameful amount of food!

After the dinner we went back to our place for cake.



15. July 2012 12:26
by Rene Pallesen
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Thomas Trains and Warragamba Dam

15. July 2012 12:26 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

thomas trains and warragamba dam


Aiden is a big fan of the Thomas Trains, so a few weeks ago when Kim saw some vouchers for the Train Shed she bought some tickets.

This morning we went out there with the whole family to go riding on the trains. Aiden was very excited...to the point where he didn't want to get off the train.



The kids had 5 rides each and they also had lunch and scones provided for us.







Aiden had to check out anything that remotely looked like a train (looks like he is taking a wee here).




It was also a good day to try out the new camera (just came back after 5 weeks in the repair shop for recalibration). Kim was using it most of the day and said she loves it compared to my old camera.


On the way in I had seen a signpost towards the Warragamba Dam. This is where 80-90 percent of Sydneys drinking water supply comes from.





8. July 2012 10:57
by Rene Pallesen
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Duck feeding at Centenial Park

8. July 2012 10:57 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

duck feeding at centenial park


This morning it was a beautiful winter day here in Sydney and we decided therefore to go duck feeding in Centenial Park with Aiden and Dylan (I was supposed to have been doing a course, but it was cancelled).

Aiden eventually figured out that it was fun to tear off small pieces of bread and throw it in the water for the ducks and swans to eat.



I showed him how to hand feed the big swans with a flat hand, but he still didn't like them much...and even less so when one of them stole his bread after sneaking in from behind.



Stupid Swan!!!!



But eventually the swan apologised and he was happy to feed the smaller birds.



Also the pond is full of fat eels (and on one occation I have seen turtles there). Some of them would surface to try and steal the bread from the ducks.





10. June 2012 09:37
by Rene Pallesen
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Emily's birthday party

10. June 2012 09:37 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

emily s birthday party


Yesterday we went to Emily's birthday party in Centennial park. We were there on time at 10.30 on a very cold morning (it had been 7 degrees overnight) but there was no-one else there...the host and the birthday child turned up two hours later (I cannot stand people who consistently have no respect for other people time).

We had brought Aiden tri-cycle that he got as a birthday present from his grandma last year.



We also spend some time exploring the forest next to the playground.








10. June 2012 08:18
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden's 2yo Birthday with the Family

10. June 2012 08:18 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

aiden birthday with the family


Today we celebrated Aidens birthday with the family.

In the morning we all had Yum Cha and afterwards we took all the kids to Little Dynamos to play.



In the evening we had the family over for steamboat and cake. Great opportunity to take a new family photo with the latest member of the family...Emma.





8. June 2012 11:00
by Rene Pallesen
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One year

8. June 2012 11:00 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

one year


Today it was one year ago that my my Mum and Aidens Grandma passed away.

I am still sad that Aiden never met her but I am hoping that he will get to know Bedstefar better as he is growing up.




I am also glad that Aiden will have a brother to keep each other company and I hope the two of them will be close and grow old together.

I still have a suitcase sitting here full of photos that I one day will get the courage tp go through...but not anytime soon.

7. June 2012 04:26
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden's 2 yo Birthday

7. June 2012 04:26 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

aiden s 2 yo birthday


Today was Aidens second birthday...time flies!



We had a Birthday cake for him with the family and sang Happy Birthday and let him blow out the candle.
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19. July 2020 13:07
by Rene Pallesen
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Indoor boudoir with Kateriina

19. July 2020 13:07 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

These photo are from a workshop I did with Kateriina as a model.It was mainly studio with fixed (hot
These photo are from a workshop I did with Kateriina as a model.

It was mainly studio with fixed (hot) lights instead of strobes which I am more used to.

Advantage of the fixed lights in a workshop setting is that it is easier to see what the light is like before taking the photo as well as having multiple photographers shooting at the same time.





















21. June 2020 17:03
by Rene Pallesen
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Aidens 10th Birthday

21. June 2020 17:03 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Aidens birthday was during the covid lock down.Fortunately we were still allowed to have a couple of
Aidens birthday was during the covid lock down.

Fortunately we were still allowed to have a couple of his school friends over for a little celebration (his school was still open anyhow).

We decided to have it in the garden with a fire pit with roasted marshmellows, sparklers followed by cake.






5. March 2020 20:03
by Rene Pallesen
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Shooting - 800m range

5. March 2020 20:03 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Recently I had the chance to visit the shooting range at Malabar headland with a group of friends.I
Recently I had the chance to visit the shooting range at Malabar headland with a group of friends.

I used to do a lot of shooting in my younger days, so I was curious to see if I still had it in me.

On this day we were shooting on the 800 meter range (which is a very long distance) with 7.62 NATO rounds.


The distance means that you cannot see where you hit, so they have an electronic readout next to the shooter. The two circles in the middle are about 25cm in diameter at the far end.

Below is the group of shots from my round.


This photo gives a better idea of the distance we were shooting at (It was also a very windy day)




Apparently I shot the best round of the day including the regulars...


Conclusion is that, yes, still got it and I may pick it up as a regular activity some time in the future.

20. October 2019 19:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Boracay Phillipines

20. October 2019 19:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

With Kim having a few weeks gap between jobs and badly needing a break she wanted to go somewhere re
With Kim having a few weeks gap between jobs and badly needing a break she wanted to go somewhere relaxing and where the water and weather would be warm.

After a bit of research we settled on a week to the Phillipines to an island called Boracay.

This is a small island with the most beautiful beach we have seen anywhere outside of Bora Bora (interesting that both have the name 'Bora').









The boys (and adults) managed to get a mighty sunburn already on the first day.


The island also has the most amazing sunsets at the beach.










Also lots of activity on the beach in the evenings whereas during the day is is mostly empty.


We stayed in a large resort built around a golf course. It had seven swimming pools and we spend a lot of time here relaxing with the boys and sipping cocktails.










It was really nice in the evenings to sit in a bar listening to cruisy music. Most of the restaurants and bars would have live entertainers on in the evenings.


One day we went on a snorkeling trip around the island. The boys are well accustomed to snorkeling now and love it. Unfortunately I didn't bring an underwater housing on the trip, but I can say that the coral reef looks to be in a good shape although a lot of the larger schools of fish and large predatory fish seems to be scarce.







We also did a day trip to the main island where we went through one of the local caves.



The cave was full of little bats and also had other creatures that were attracted to the bats and insects such as a snake and spiders I've never seen before.
We even spotted a large hermit crab (size of a hand).




We also went to a local river where there was waterfalls and also rafts for the boys to have a play with.




The food in general was pretty good although we only tried a couple of local dishes (Phillipines is not famous for its food). Especially some of the seafood was really nice.



The way we got around the island was on these small tricycles. There are two types, the old ones pulled by a small moterbike and then the new ones which are all electric. The government wants to have all the old ones off the roads by 2024 which is very sensible both environmentally and economically as even the locals say that they make more money on the new ones.






The main road however is horrendous. In late 2018 the island was closed for 6 months to any visitors due to them sorting out a lot of issues with the sewage system. This means that they have dug up the entire road to install large pipes along with a road widening. A lot of this was still ongoing with the main road being full of holes, but given that it is such a small place it was alright to still get around.




10. October 2019 20:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Karate

10. October 2019 20:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This year the boys started doing Karate.It was something that I've always wanted do do with them, so
This year the boys started doing Karate.

It was something that I've always wanted do do with them, so we looked around for a place where initially they could join some kids classes and then along the way I'd join as well.

Initially they got their red and white stripe belts (automatically)


And then later they went up for grading to get their Red belts.


They love training with some of the equipment that we have at home for it.




Late in the year I joined as well once the sensei established some adult classes and I have now after 20 years (I did a bit of karate back in 1998) finally received my Red belt.







Even Kim has taken a couple of classes - maybe she will even grade on of these days.



1. October 2019 20:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden Holy Communion

1. October 2019 20:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Aiden as part of his school had to do his holy communion.He looked very handsome in his little suit.
Aiden as part of his school had to do his holy communion.

He looked very handsome in his little suit.




10. September 2019 21:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Canoeing with family at Royal national Park

10. September 2019 21:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

One weekend we went to the Royal National Park (half an hour south) to go canoeing with the Family.I
One weekend we went to the Royal National Park (half an hour south) to go canoeing with the Family.

It was a fun day out and fortunately we can still fit the boys into a single canoe unlike Chong who had to get a rowing boat for his family - they are a lot harder work.











22. August 2019 13:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden - awards card

22. August 2019 13:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It is not often that Aiden gets an award for good work at school, but when he does, he is very proud
It is not often that Aiden gets an award for good work at school, but when he does, he is very proud.


10. August 2019 20:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Camping - Barrington Tops

10. August 2019 20:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Earlier in the year at Easter time we went camping up at Barrington Tops 5 hours drive north of Sydn
Earlier in the year at Easter time we went camping up at Barrington Tops 5 hours drive north of Sydney.

It is a very tall mountain range with some excellent walks, rivers etc.

We had a great weekend with friends sitting around the fire roasting marshmellows, walking and canoeing.

























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2. May 2013 08:17
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Captured by the tribes

2. May 2013 08:17 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu captured by the tribes


They finally caught us and wanted to put us in the big pot...



...but we told them that we are too skinny and that some of the fat tourists would taste better and be able to feed the village for months, so they let us go (whew...)!


2. May 2013 08:16
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu Tribes

2. May 2013 08:16 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu tribes


While in Vanuatu we went on a couple of tours to get some insight into the old tribal culture.



We did one evening tour with food, song and dance and then a couple of days later we did another one during the daytime with a bit more insight into the tribal life.

On the evening trip they would be jumping out at us in the middle of the bush.





Afterwards they entertained us with song and dance.







During the day tour explained the significance of things such as their tribal drawings.



How they would use bark for making clothing and other items.



How they would preserve banana for several months.



...and the wild pigs they would hunt.



And they would also explain how cannibalism used to work in their society.



As well as other traditions.





I took a whole bunch of portraits of the people in the village.


















There were also a bunch of kids around.














2. May 2013 08:15
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden playing with the local kids

2. May 2013 08:15 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

aiden playing with the local kids


On one of the trips to a local village Aiden started playing with the local kids.



It was great that he had some fun as it is pretty hard for someone his age to sit still for long periods of time.





The local kids were great at helping him around and holding the dog so he could pat it.







2. May 2013 08:13
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Fireshow

2. May 2013 08:13 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu fireshow


One evening we went to see a fire show...

This turned out to be probably the best fireshow we have ever seen...spectacular.



Fortunately I brought my tripod along so I could capture the following amazing pictures.





The whole show was about 30 minutes with 6-10 performers and finished with group dancing where all the local kids also participated.











2. May 2013 08:11
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Kids

2. May 2013 08:11 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu kids


Obviously I took a large amount of family photos in Vanuatu.

Here are some of them.











...and...all this holiday can be very exhausting...


2. May 2013 08:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Kims Dad

2. May 2013 08:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu kims dad


Kims Dad joined us in Vanuatu.

It was great to have him along and quite funny at times.



When we were out and about he wanted his photo taken with people we met.









And he was brave enough to try the local Kava...I didn't tell him how they make it.



And it was great to have him there to help with the kids.

2. May 2013 08:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - The market in Port Vila

2. May 2013 08:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu the market in port vila


On one of the days we made a day trip into Port Vila city centre. Here was the big market with is open 24 hours per day.

The market is full of fresh produce of all sorts depending on the seasons.









There is even some live produce available such as chicken and crabs.











Because the market is always open, people live and sleep between the stalls with their families.



It is also the place that people go to during lunch to buy food to eat.



There was a whole row of women sitting their waving their arms to keep the flies away from the food.





Also, I don't understand why the western world is spending so much effort and resources on finding cures to diseases such as cancer, diabeter, high blood pressure, arthritis, obesity, athma etc. since they here in Vanuatu already has one magical cure that takes care of them all. It was cheap and easily available at the market and it doesn't matter how much you buy, the price is always the same.




They were also selling improvised charcoal stoves bringing back memories of Kenya where everything was cooked on a Jiko's.



While we were outside the market discussing where to go next this woman and her little girl walked past. The little girl let go of he mums hand and walked over to Aiden (who was sitting in his pram) and gave him a BIG kiss...Aiden is such a chick magnet.





2. May 2013 08:09
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Waterfalls

2. May 2013 08:09 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu waterfalls


There are a number of waterfalls on the main island Efete in Vanuatu.

Some of these are very accessible as they are right next to the road such as this one.



Others are a bit more of a hike, but definitely worth it...such as these ones at Mele.

Unfortunately the access to the falls is not being very well managed. They have cut steps into the limestone and scrubbing the surface to avoid people slipping when walking. Unfortunately this also erodes and changes the waterfalls and I think they should put a walking track adjacent to the falls instead.








2. May 2013 08:08
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Out and about

2. May 2013 08:08 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu out and about


One day we hired a driver to take us around the island.

One of the places we stopped was the Blue Lagoon which is a small semi freshwater lagoon with large lime stone deposits making the water very blue to look at.



We also stopped at Turtle Bay which is supposed to be a turtle sanctuary...but for what it is (tiny) and the knowledge of your guide (none) very over prised.

But they did have some live coconut crabs.



Some baby turtles



And a couple of large turtles in a very small and dirty enclosure.

2. May 2013 07:33
by Rene Pallesen
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Vanuatu - Around the hotel

2. May 2013 07:33 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

vanuatu around the hotel


The hotel we stayed at was in a great location at the back of the lagoon with a little private beach.





...and a Tam Tam out the front.




It was great using some of the watersport equipment such as kayaks and catemarans







And it had a golf course which we didn't get a chance to use.



Mostly we would just relax or swim when around the hotel.





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7. January 2016 18:01
by Rene Pallesen
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Hunter Valley Christmas 2015

7. January 2016 18:01 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Between Christmas and New year we went to the Hunter Valley with Sasha and his family.We stayed over
Between Christmas and New year we went to the Hunter Valley with Sasha and his family.

We stayed overnight in a cabin in Lovedale.




During the day we tasted wines at the various wineries (found some good ones).






















The kids also loved playing at the cabin in the evenings.

























































7. January 2016 18:01
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas 2015

7. January 2016 18:01 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This year we decided not to celebrate on the eve of the 24 and just stick with the 25th at KC's plac
This year we decided not to celebrate on the eve of the 24 and just stick with the 25th at KC's place (too much cooking otherwise). I was responsible for the Christmas ham (with limited success).

It was a relaxing day and the kids were very exited about their presents.

























16. December 2015 13:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Silliness

16. December 2015 13:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Sometimes when I am setting up for a photo especially Aiden likes to jump in a get silly.It is a goo
Sometimes when I am setting up for a photo especially Aiden likes to jump in a get silly.

It is a good way to test the lighting and sometimes I managed to get a 'keeper' such as this one from a few weeks back.


16. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Christmas family photo 2015

16. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It is almost Christmas and I've just completed our annual family Christmas photo and this is the fin
It is almost Christmas and I've just completed our annual family Christmas photo and this is the final version.



It was an interesting process getting to this photo this year. Last year we did a photo in the kitchen of us baking a cake, but this years photo has so many more elements to it.

The idea came from a combination of Kim and my ideas. Kim wanted to do a photo of the boys through a crystal ball. I actually bought the crystal ball right after Christmas last year with this year in mind.

We did a test in front of the tree in early December which was reasonably okay, but Kim didn't like the feel to it. She wanted more snow (pretty ambitious on a summers day here in Sydney Australia).



My idea for our family photo was based on me wanting to do a story of us as a family out in a snow storm 'Looking for Santa'. I had purchased a bag of artificial snow and a Christmas cape a few months back and we had some lanterns downstairs so I pretty much had all the components in place for the shoot.

I knew I had to do it as a composite with the boys as there was no way that I would be able to get the photo with all four of us at once. We did the photo over a couple of days, on the first evening (after the kids had gone to bed) I took the one of Kim and myself holding the lantern. Once I had this photo I could show it to Aiden and Lucas so that they knew what we needed them to do (Lucas just had to copy Aiden).



I had Gaffa taped markers on the floor so everyone would know where they were supposed to stand. Inside the lantern I had hidden a speedlight gelled with CTO to make it look light the lantern was lit. We are actually lit by a large Einstein strobe also with CTO, grid and barn doors to control the spill of the light.
At the back left and right were another two speedlights providing a bit of rim light to emulate moon light.

Because of the first 'failed' attempt of the crystal ball I got the idea to extend my 'Looking for Santa' photo into Santa's shed where he would have a crystal ball where he could look at us looking for him.
This would require three components - The crystal ball, the lights from the Christmas tree to create atmosphere and then Santa himself. I created Santa by hanging a hat on a chair which was easy to light and then I had another light which I used to balance the ambient with the lights from the tree.

The final photo all combined looks like the following, but in the end we decided to just use the tighter crop in the first and final photo.

1. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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Aiden Graduation and Christmas Concert

1. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

It was time again for the annual Christmas concert with Aiden and Lucas' daycare.Aiden is starting '
It was time again for the annual Christmas concert with Aiden and Lucas' daycare.

Aiden is starting 'big' school after Christmas, so this was also his graduation.



Kim and Aiden had both practiced some dancing and songs for the concert and were both dressed up, Aiden as a doctor and Lucas as a pumpkin.





Although Aiden was very excited leading up to the concert and was telling everyone how he was going to sing and dance, he absolutely broke down once we got there overwhelmed by all the people and the noise.

It was heartbreaking to see him like that on an evening where he should be enjoying himself. He was crying and didn't want to get on the stage. Eventually we managed to get him up and he did try and participate.





Lucas on the other hand had a great time, unfortunately I didn't get a lot of photos of that because I had to try and comfort Aiden.





After the show Santa turned up wit presents for the kids and he was a lot happier again.







After that the graduates had their photos taken and had cake.




1. December 2015 12:12
by Rene Pallesen
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7th Anniversary

1. December 2015 12:12 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This month Kim and I had our anniversary.I cant believe we have been married for 7 years...still lov
This month Kim and I had our anniversary.

I cant believe we have been married for 7 years...still love her to bits.

29. November 2015 22:11
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Ballet - Sleeping Beauty

29. November 2015 22:11 by Admin | 0 Comments

Saturday Kim and I went to the Sydney Opera house to watch the Sleeping Beauty performed by the Aust
Saturday Kim and I went to the Sydney Opera house to watch the Sleeping Beauty performed by the Australian Ballet.



It was one of the better ballets we have seen. The story was great and the dancing (lots of it) was of a really high quality.

The even managed to weave in some of the Red riding hood story, Puss in boots, Cinderella and other stories.

It was beautiful to watch.

25. October 2015 09:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Velvet - 2015

25. October 2015 09:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

Last night Kim and I went to the show Velvet at the Sydney Opera House.It was a combination of circu
Last night Kim and I went to the show Velvet at the Sydney Opera House.

It was a combination of circus, burlesque and boogie nights (70's music) in one show.




The show had great music with Marcia Hines and Brendan Maclean and the performers were great. I think everyones favourite was the guy with the hula hoops.

1. October 2015 19:10
by Rene Pallesen
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Some more baby photos

1. October 2015 19:10 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

I don't know for sure which ones are Claus and which ones are Rene.
I don't know for sure which ones are Claus and which ones are Rene.




















30. September 2015 18:09
by Rene Pallesen
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Claus as a tennis player

30. September 2015 18:09 by Rene Pallesen | 0 Comments

This post is mostly about Claus when he was at his top as one of Denmarks top tennis players.I have
This post is mostly about Claus when he was at his top as one of Denmarks top tennis players.

I have kept scans of all the newspaper clippings from when he was winning a lot of tournaments.





























































In the mid 90's he started to get pretty sick and although he still tried to play tennis it was never at the same level again. Eventually he more or less gave up. His illness took to great a hold of him. These are some of the 'darkest' photos I have of him while he was struggling with his schizophrenia and were taken shortly before I moved to Australia.





He lost contact with most of his friends and was very dependent on my mum and dad as well as other support programs in place.







I prefer to remember him as he was before he passed away.


















This poem reminds me of him.

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

—Meggie Royer